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My Tenure Plan by United For Progress

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The only thing keeping me from becoming an astronaut is joining USAF Reserves and earning a 4 year degree in a STEM field, I can do this!



My all time favorite teacher is getting really old and I want him to have a very nice vacation in the Maldives or something.

So I have spent the last ten years of my life developing ways to improve the US (and as a result the world economy) via media reform (by promoting myself to legit 'third beard' status) and inspiring people to use a little elbow grease to convert their homes into sustainable high tech farms for the future with the following steps:

1. Gutting out all that useless insulation and replacing it with infrared heating such as they use on all spacecraft and the International Space Station.

2. Replacing all lights in the house with LEDs.

3. Replacing your gas furnace with a limestone fireplace.

4. Replacing the grass in your front lawn with a mini forest and aquaponic systems that can grow food year round.

While I was doing all that I also implemented my original plan for media reform (creation of an open source movie studio/talent agency) with Stella Adler Academy in Hollywood and the good folks from The Art Institute of CA - Los Angeles (in Santa Monica) and also a Caltech Theoretical Physicist searching for the Higg's Boson and a genius computer programmer. Since then my posse has grown to include many of the big players (and not so big) in Las Vegas NV, a city that shouldn't exist because it isn't near natural sources of food and so forth, but we built it anyway and now we have to make sure that it is environmentally sound and so forth or the city won't be such an entertaining place for very long.

What actions do you propose?

  • Hiring myself, Jacob Hollander as a teacher's aid for any particular class at MIT.
  • Using my incredible abilities and punctuality to plant apple trees everywhere they can be planted and are guaranteed to grow into full on trees that harvest actual fruit that you can eat.
  • Making the best stone soup you have never had.
  • Winning an Academy Award, Nobel Prize, and Presidential Medal of Freedom all at the same time.
  • Proposing a direct sequel to Ferris Bueler's Day off, starring Noam Chomsky.
  • Building giant hoverboards (aka Ground Effect vehicles) that can actually turn into quadcopters when adverse weather conditions require it. Basically, the largest cargo planes ever. Strong enough to lift 2000 tons, but PH balanced for a Thunderbird Pilot. (note I am the COO of the company, our website is super cheesy on purpose until our funding proposal goes through and then we do America's Got Talent for Engineers)
  • Becoming an Enormous Green Rage Monster! You can in fact see more of my handiwork at

    Reminding people that my Great Grandpa was one of the head engineers at Kelly Air Field when they first broke down in what would eventually become San Antonio TX. Also reminding them that my grandpa actually used to (vicariously through other people), make Buzz Aldrin's breakfast every morning when he was the Dean's Aide at the Air Force Academy. I remind people of these things because I was trained to do what they did all over again if need be, and to do things they couldn't do (like sing almost any song I know note for note, a'Capella on perfect timing and that's just a hobby).

    P.s. I am not the first Jacob Hollander to propose such things!